•×|[[ Insanity's Requiem ]]|×•

WHAT THE FUCK.

2009-12-26T13:03:00.002-05:00

I AM TIRED OF SEEING SHINY KAWAII DESU ANIMU GIRLS WITH HUGE HEADS AND NO ROOM ON THEIR FACES FOR THEIR NOSES BECUASE THEIR MASSIVE SHINY KAWAII EYES ARE SO CLOSE TO THEIR CHINS.

Seeing that fills me with rage. SO MUCH RAGE.

emocloud

2009-11-16T17:18:00.002-05:00

I find it funny that my parents named me "Kristin," which means "Follower of Christ."
And they named my sister "Victoria," which means "Conqueror" or "victory."

Not that I don't love my sister (trust me, I do, she's one of my best friends), but it seems like they knew she would be better than me so they gave her a name that doesn't make her seem like someone who follows religion blindly.

You may think I'm reading too much into this, but... I seem to be invisible to my parents when my sister is around (and pretty much every other time), unless I cry out for attention or they feel like taking their anger out on me. It seems like I live in my sister's shadow. She's smarter than me, prettier than me, for athletic than me, and just all around better then I am.

This is pretty much the reason I insist that everyone call me "Ashura" (or "Disgaea girl", which is an inside joke) in real life, or "What" when I'm online... I can't stand the name my parents gave me and the meaning behind it. It makes me feel like I'm some kind of tool. It makes me feel ugly... Incredibly ugly. I mentally shudder every time I hear someone call out to me using my real name. I hate it. I hate being associated with some religion I don't and refuse to follow. I hate my parents for giving me such an ugly name.

Now, I may seem bitter toward religion. That's because I was force-fed that bullshit my entire life. My parents forced me to go to church and scolded me when I, a young child, couldn't sit still and keep quiet during the service or whatever it's called. They forced me to attend what my friends and I refer to as "jesus classes" until I was fourteen. They expected me to blindly follow it without forming an opinion and belief of my own. They wanted me to be a religious zombie and I hate that.

...Yeah. Needed to get that off my chest.

Damn it...

2009-11-05T19:21:00.002-05:00

So my mom comes home today, seemingly pissed off and all-around irritable. I asked her what's wrong and she didn't say anything.

I asked her again when we were eating dinner and she told me that her boss has been blaming her for everything and that she might lose her job.

Oh dear god... If that happens, my family will be fucked.

We're already tight for cash, and my dad couldn't support all of us with his earnings. And, as far as I know, my mom is the one who pays the bills and buys the food and pretty much everything else.

I wish there was a way I could help, but I can't find a job and my art isn't good enough for people to want to pay me for a piece.

I'm so useless...

Realization just hit me like a ton of bricks...

2009-09-13T12:12:00.002-04:00

I noticed that I've become more and more bitter towards love recently. I thought that was just because that's how I am, that there was really no reason behind it.

Up until now, that is.

I realize that I act like that because I'm lonely. Horribly, horribly lonely. I yearn to love someone, and for someone to love me back.

The sucky part is, I had someone awesome, but I let her go like the idiot that I am. But I can't tell her that I still have feelings for her...

Love eludes me still...

That's probably why I draw happy couples all the time.

2009-09-12T09:41:00.001-04:00

FUCKIN LUXIO WON'T LET ME RUN FROM A ROSELIA.

...*ahem* My life is boring. My art is starting to suck. I have nothing to do.

/fail.

I'm in one of those moods where I don't want to do anything. Is it just me or do I get like that a lot? God damn it, why can't my life be fulfilling...

This is depressing but I can't seem to pull myself out of the rut I'm in. Why does this always happen to me? Goddamnit. Fuck my life.

Someone come and fucking save me.

I feel really strange today.

2009-08-23T10:55:00.002-04:00

I don't really know how to describe it, to tell the truth. It's like this empty, sick feeling I get when I haven't been taking my meds. I have been though, so I don't know what's causing this. It could be that I need something to eat. But I doubt that.

I'm starting to get fat. I can barely fit my ass into half my pairs of pants. It's depressing. I mean, everything else in my life already makes me feel like shit, and now I feel that way about my body too. :\

Updates on life in general.

2009-08-20T11:13:00.002-04:00

Well, not much has been going on as of late. My life is still as mundane and uninteresting as it's been for the last year.

However, it would be good to note that, while I got accepted to Butera School of Art, I won't be going there until next year. Why is that? Because I need time to save up more money for it, and a new laptop (hopefully a Macbook Pro). I'll hopefully be getting a job at Gamestop soon, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up.

This decision also gives me more time to get used to going in and out of Boston on the trains/subways. As of right now I'm still too nervous to do something like that on my own.

My mom doesn't want me to beat myself up about this decision, but I'll probably never hear the end of it when my father finds out about it. He's probably convinced that I'll be useless for the rest of my life if I don't GO TO COLLEGE NAO D<
Fun fun.

Argh, I'm so bored. Gotta find something to do... D:

Blah.

2009-08-14T15:40:00.002-04:00

Feeling more tired than usual today. No one's around (not that there's ever anyone around anyway), there's nothing to do, I don't really feel like doing anything I usually love doing... I'm just... Tired.

It kinda sucks, really. Spending all your time doing pretty much nothing, every single day.

I went for a walk earlier. Nothing unusual there either. Same boring neighborhood with the same boring college with the same boring nothingness. I wish there was something to do in my town, but alas, there is not.

Still can't find my tablet pen. Still in an art block. This sucks.

Why am I even writing this? No one's gonna read it.

90s Quiz, lol

2009-08-09T21:16:00.002-04:00

You remember watching:

[x] Kenan and Kel;
[x] Doug;
[x] Ren & Stimpy;
[x] Pinky & the Brain;
[x] AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!;
[x] Rocko's Modern Life;
[x] Animaniacs;
[x] Gargoyles (didn't watch it but knew about it)
[x] Hey Arnold!;
[ ] Out of the Box;
[x] Bear in the Big Blue House.
[x] You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!";
[x] You just can’t resist finishing this: "In west Philadelphia born and raised...".

You remember:

[ ] Step by Step;
[x] Family Matters;
[ ] Dinosaurs;
[x] Boy Meets World;
[x] Full House.

[x] You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons;
[x] You remember reading Goosebumps. (I watched the show)

When everything was settled by:

[x] "Rock/paper/scissors";
[x] "Bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish";
[x] "Miss Mary Mack".

[ ] When kickball was something you did everyday;
[ ] You used to listen to the radio all day long;
[ ] Just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape.

[x] You remember Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis;
[x] You remember The Original Game Boy; (HELL YEAH)
[x] You always wanted to send in a tape to America’s Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny;

You remember watching:

[x] The Magic School Bus;
[x] Wishbone;
[x] Reading Rainbow;
[ ] Ghostwriter.
[x] You remember when Yo-Yo's were cool;
[x] You remember those "Where’s Waldo" books; (always did that at the dentist)
[x] You remember eating Warheads and Splashers Gushers.

You remember watching:

[x] Batman the Animated Series
[x] Aladdin
[x] Ninja Turtles
[x] Ghost Busters.

[x] You remember Ring Pops!!! (Just had one today, lol!)
[x] You remember when everything was "da BOMB!";
[x] You remember boom boxes vs. CD players;

[x] Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them
[x] You played and/or collected Pogs
[x] You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere you went.

You watched the original cartoons of:

[x] Rugrats;
[x] Wild Thornberrys
[x] Power Rangers

[x] All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.

You collected:

[x] Beanie Babies;
[x] Pokemon cards;
[ ] Carebears;
[x] Silver dollars.

You remember when:

[x] Everyone watched the WB
[x] Everybody knew all the Pokemon by heart;
[x] Digimon was still on
[x] If you even know what an original Walkman is;
[x] You know the Macarena by heart;
[x] "Talk to the hand";
[x] You went to McDonald’s to play in the playplace and it was still sanitary;
[x] Before the MySpace frenzy;
[x] Before the Internet & text messaging;
[x] Before Sidekicks & iPods;
[x] Before PlayStation3 or X-Box 360;
[x] Back before X-Box period;
[x] Before SpongeBob;
[x] When light up sneakers were cool;
[x] When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs;
[x] When gas was $0.95 a gallon;
[x] When we recorded stuff on VCR;
[x] You had slap bracelets;
[x] You actually played outside until it was dark;
[x] Way back before we realized all this would eventually disappear;
[x] Post this if you smiled at least more than 5 times;
[x] And if you remember at least half the stuff on here.

68/76

IN WEST PHILADELPHIA, BORN AND RAISED
ON THE PLAYGROUND IS WHERE I SPEND MOST OF MY DAYS
CHILLIN' OUT MAXXIN' RELAXIN ALL COOL
SHOOTING SOME B-BALL OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL
WHEN A COUPLE'A GUYS, THEY WERE UP TO NO GOOD
STARTED MAKING TROUBLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD
I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FIGHT AND MY MOM GOT SCARED
SHE SAID "YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BEL AIR."

....lol.

I really enjoy letting this blog gather dust, don't I?

2009-08-09T21:06:00.002-04:00

What to say about my life happenings...

I started taking sewing lessons about a month ago. Sewing is fun, but tiring. So energy-sapping, lol. But the best part about that is I get to work on my cosplay while I learn! So far, it's turning out great <3

I got accepted into Butera School of Art about two weeks ago. The sad part is, I don't have enough time to acquire the Financial Aid and student loans I need to pay for it this year. ;_;

Oh, another thing. Lately I've been feeling... Weird. Like, I've been getting the physical feelings I get when I don't take my medicine even though I've been taking them like I'm supposed to. I don't know what's going on. Hopefully, this feeling won't persist. If it does, there's probably something wrong with me... Shit. lol.

I really want to bleach my hair tomorrow, so I can get it dyed turquoise soon. I've been waiting to do this long enough, lol.

Yay!

2009-06-23T14:21:00.002-04:00

Ugh, this sucky weather is killing me. It's been like this for about two weeks now, and it's starting to get really depressing. Luckily I was able to get out today, when my sister and I went to KFC for lunch, then stopped to get ice cream. <3

I love talking with my sister. She may be 4½ years younger than me, but she's totally awesome. She's a lot like how I was when I was fourteen (and like I am now, for that matter). We started talking about how our parents act and how it effects us. Sometimes I just want to slap my parents and say "Hey, you fucked up with me, don't do the same with my sister!" God. I swear, I would take her and move away from them if I could. I love her too much to just sit idly by and watch her end up a wreck like me.

Blah blah, baww baww baww.

2009-06-04T17:28:00.002-04:00

My mom can't seem to understand that I'm so socially awkward that I'm pretty much afraid to talk to people on the phone. She keeps saying "Yes I do understand. The only way to get over your fear is to face it." like it's SO FUCKING SIMPLE. My god it's incredibly annoying. No, mom. You DON'T get it. Why not? Because you're not fucking autistic like me (though my autism is only mild). You don't get what I go through, how I feel. You think you know, but you don't. You fucking DON'T.

God fucking damn it. Sometimes I just want to scream at my mom that she doesn't understand, but I know that I won't be able to get it through her goddamn skull that the only way she could possibly understand what I go through is if she was me. Which she's not.

Fuck fuck fuck.

My dad's not any better. The racist, arrogant bastard ignores my existence unless I'm playing video games and he feels like kicking me off the TV so he can hog it all night.

I wish I could just pack up and leave. But alas, fate has conspire against me. I can't seem to get over my fear of driving, and I couldn't get a job even if I sold my fucking body.

I'm a useless waste of a life. Someone fucking kill me.

Mary Sue tests? What fun!

2009-04-18T10:41:00.002-04:00

So I stumbled upon links to Mary Sue tests in a pal of mine's journal, and thought I'd take them with my fancharacter Ashura in mind. Here are the results.

The Univeral Mary-Sue Litmus Test

Score: 7

0-16 Points
Most likely Not-Sue. Characters at this level could probably take a little spicing up without hurting them any.

The Writer's Mary Sue Test

Total score: 23

"Ashura is suspiciously similar to you as you'd like to be. She is not at all cool; in fact, she thinks cool is a temperature reading, and when she says "Oh, I just put on whatever old thing's lying around," she means "on the floor, where I threw it last night - but I turned the underwear inside out first." There's never been anything special about her that she could see; boy, is she in for a surprise. She's got no emotional scars to speak of. And she's gotten no slack from you.

In general, you care deeply about Ashura, but you're smart enough to let her stand on her own, without burdening her with your personal fantasies or propping her up with idealization and over-dramatization. Ashura is a healthy character with a promising career ahead of her."

I feel fat.

2009-04-16T19:39:00.002-04:00

Over the past week I've gained five pounds.

I hate gaining weight... Because if I gain even a pound too much none of my clothes will fit me anymore.

So I've decided to start being smarter about the things I eat and the things I do. I'm gonna try to cut down on the candy and junk food (because I eat so much of that shit it's amazing that I'm not an obese sack of fat right now), and get out and exercise more. On rainy days I'll play DDR so I can still get some exercise and not have to walk or ride my bike in the rain.

This also means I'll probably be spending less time on my computer. That would be good too, though, since I spend so much time on this thing that I'm straining my eyes way too much and getting headaches. My posture also sucks so my back and neck hurt a lot... Yeah.

I hope this works...

My mom is scary when she's mad.

2009-04-13T15:49:00.003-04:00

So, the weather outside is absolutely beautiful today. I went outside for a while to draw the landscape I need for my "portfolio" for the art college I'm applying to. My mom drives up and carries some stuff inside about a half hour later.

Then I hear her screaming from inside the house, so I run inside because I thought she had hurt herself or something.

She had spilled the jug of milk she just bought and about a quarter of it was all over the floor. She, of course, was screaming and shouting and taking her anger out on me, who was trying to help her clean it up.

Gee, thanks mom.

It scared me to death when she started screaming, because by GOD my mom is scary when she's mad. I didn't want to go back inside for a while, but thankfully she left to take my sister somewhere so I was able to get up here to my room without having to hear her scream and shout at me.

Hell, I hate it when anyone yells angrily, not just my mom. Angry people scare... No, terrify me. That's why I try not to get angry...

Easter om nom nom

2009-04-12T12:47:00.002-04:00

Happy Easter everyone.

God, I can smell the food my mom is cooking and it smells so good. It's making me hungry.

Waiting for my grandma, aunt, uncle, and two little cousins to get here so we can eat. AUUUGH THE WAIT IS KILLING ME. *foams at mouth*

Yeah. Useless post is useless. So, here's a picture.

Look at his lady hips. LOL.

I KEEP DYING LUL

2009-04-09T16:43:00.003-04:00

I suppose having a blog is stupid if your life is mundane and uninteresting. Oh well.

I've been going out with my friends a lot lately. And by that I mean "My friends randomly show up to kidnap and whisk me off on magical adventures to Camp Bucky located in scenic the mall." I say a child's play area in the food court of a mall shouldn't be that much fun to a bunch of teenagers. But it is. It fucking IS. (ı ▽ ı;; )

I'm also drawing moar. Yay. I'm actually working on something with an actual BACKGROUND that doesn't involve gradient-overlaid halftones. IT'S AN ACTUAL BACKGROUND GUYS AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. zomg. (>▽< )

I should probably get working on my two fanfics too. Lalala procrastination / general apathy. (ı ▽ ı;; )

GAWD I have pictures I have to draw for a college application. Unfortunately, it involves the two things I fail at hardcore: backgrounds and realistic portraits. REALITY IS MY ARCHENEMY. RAAAAAAH.

Anime Boston is in six weeks. Fuuuck I have to get my Roark jacket fixed and two wigs styled before then.

I don't understand...

2009-03-13T19:08:00.002-04:00

I never understood why my happiness is always short-lived. It really bothers me when I feel so great and then something comes along and makes me either super depressed, pissed off, or completely apathetic.

It always seems to happen when I'm either with my friends or when there's art I owe people.

Like currently, I feel really bad about not at least having a commission I owe someone at least sketched... It's been a month and I've made little to no progress on it. Every idea I've sketched out has come out looking like crap, and they weren't even worth showing to the commissioner because the sketches looked so fucking hideous...

I also feel horrible about not being able to control my emotions properly recently. I must have snapped at my best friend about fifty times when he was over on Wednesday. I feel horrible because I was having one of those "calm freak-out" (as I call them) episodes I've been having more and more frequently and I couldn't control it.

I've been feeling more and more worthless and the like lately and it's driving me insane. I can never seem to snap myself out of these "episodes" because no matter how hard I try, I just fall into a deeper depression and feel worse.

I'm horridly insecure and I need fucking help.

Updates on life

2009-02-26T19:46:00.002-05:00

So, I met with my new psychiatrist yesterday. He apparently wants to see what putting me on a low dose of antidepressants will do for me. Hell, I'm all for it, seeing as he said it might be able to help me with my anxiety problems and such. Maybe if this works I'll finally be able to get my life going. (｡・ε・｡ )

Speaking of getting my life going, Yoshi told me about a college in Boston. I'm looking into it right now, and it seems great. It's called Butera School of Art. I really want to see if I can go there... I'll just have to do some stuff for a "portfolio" of sorts. Seeing as I never took official art classes and I don't have an actual portfolio. ...At least this will give me a reason to attempt realism. ...Yeah. Realism. Fun. (｀ε´;; )

...Gotta get working on some new art, and those two commissions that I have. I SHOULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW. *scurries off*

GAAAH MY ARM

2009-02-24T13:13:00.002-05:00

So I went to the doctor yesterday. Everything was fine until my the topic of drawing blood and vaccinations was brought up.

I'm deathly afraid of needles.

My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to get my blood drawn and have three vaccinations done while we were there.

I was like "WHAT?!" Σ(ﾟдﾟ; )

So yeah.

It was very painful.

I was crying and shaking and freaking out like mad. And now my right arm hurts like hell. (￣д￣; )

No one seemed to care that I have this unexplainable fear of needles.

Wheeeheheheheheheheh.

2009-02-20T16:14:00.003-05:00

*bites the head off a Marshmallow Peep*

'Sup guys.

My life's still at a standstill.

Having trouble with all but one of my commissions.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna let the people who are paying me down.

Because every time I look at these practice sketches I'm like "Gahaha, this fails so hard."

Yay, low self-esteem!

*does a dance*

Disgaea2: Hey there. (Oneshot)

2009-02-14T13:46:00.004-05:00

Disclaimer: I don't own Disgaea.

A short, blue-haired woman made her way up a grassy hill, her knee-length lilac dress blowing gently in the wind. Upon first glance she appeared to be in her mid teens, but one look in her rose eyes gave the sense that she had lived far longer than her young form suggested.

She soon arrived at the top of the hill, where a small stone grave sat nestled among the grass. Sitting down, she gave a gentle smile.

"Hey there..." she said, setting down the roses she was holding in front of the grave. She let out a sigh. "I still can't believe that I'd meet you like this after all these years..." She sniffed, then shook her head. "No, I shouldn't be depressed. The way you gave your life to protect those you cared about from Overlord Zenon... That's something I should be proud of."

"I suppose I should tell you..." she said, laughing slightly. "After you fled with our son, my father found me in our old home. He was pissed about how I ran away from the palace, and that rage only got worse when I challenged him for the throne. But..." She paused to break out into a grin. "I won! So now I'm the Overlord of Lunas! And since then, I've been looking for you, so we could bring our family back together. You can imagine how shocked I was when I found your sister and our son living here, in Veldime..."

"Speaking of him..." she continued with a chuckle. "He's grown into a fine young man. I can't even begin to tell you how much he resembles you. He's got your rebellious personality, that's for sure. And, even though he won't admit it, I can tell he's got your kind heart as well. Unfortunately..." She let out a sigh. "I don't think he's ready to know that I'm his mother. I mean, he knew me as his mentor first... And he has a habit of completely dismissing anything he deems to be untrue." She chuckled again. "He might also start respecting me less if he found out. And we can't have that, can we? Haha."

Then, a voice rang out, interrupting the woman's thoughts.

"Oi, Alluna. What's your problem?"

She turned around and grinned. "Hello, Aevin." she said as a teenage boy approached her.

"Don't 'Hello, Aevin.' me." he growled. "We were supposed to meet for a lesson an hour ago."

"Sorry, I must have lost track of time." she replied, laughing as she stood up.

"That's a load of bull. You're probably just..." He stopped when he noticed the grave behind her. "...What are you doing at my father's grave?"

She folded her arms. "What's wrong with paying respects to a fallen hero, hmm?" she asked.

Aevin sighed. "Nothing." he said quietly. He folded his arms. "Now can we get the lesson over with? I've got plans later."

"Alright, alright. Let's go." she said. As they walked away, she stopped to look back at the grave.

"Happy Valentine's Day, my love." she thought. "I hope to see you again some day soon."

And with that, she ran ahead to harass her pupil into spilling what he had planned for the day he supposedly hated.

Disgaea2: Options (Oneshot)

2009-02-12T22:03:00.012-05:00

Disclaimer: I don't own Disgaea.

He was a gunslinger, she was a gunslinger. Well, technically she was a thief by profession, but hell if you gave her a gun she was a powerful force. Add that to great reflexes and speed that could make a ninja go pale, and you've got a delinquent that could give the great Laharl a run for his title (and anything else that held any sort of value to the blue-haired tyrant). Maybe that's why he found himself falling for her faster than the Dark Hero Axel fell from his stardom.

He, of course, would rather swallow liquid cyanide than admit to actually having feelings like that. After all, he was a demon. They both were. And demons aren't supposed to feel love. Lust, maybe. But not love.

Which is why he was a bit annoyed at the first thing she said to him while they were walking back to their homes in the village of Holt after a long day of training.

"Hey, Aevin... Are you doing anything on Valentine's Day?"

"Koneko, I'd like you to stop and think about what you just asked me." came his flat reply.

She laughed. "I know, I know." she said, swinging her bag of freshly plundered loot as she walked. "I just thought you might have plans, given how popular you are with the girls at school."

Aevin rolled his eyes. Those girls he was involuntarily popular with were more like psychotic stalkers than actual girls, unless it was normal for girls to break into their crush's home and watch him while he slept.

She laughed again. It annoyed him how much he loved it when she did that. What was worse was how he could never stop himself from laughing along with her, even if the laughter in question was directed at him.

"So you're not busy then?" she asked.

"Unless you count my plans to board up all my windows and doors and sleep all day as busy, no." he said.

"So it's settled then!" she replied happily, jumping in front of him and looking up at him with a playful smile on her face. "You and I will go to the biggest city in my home Netherworld and have fun until we explode!"

He looked at her, confused, causing her to look down and start fidgeting nervously.

"Or, y'know..." she mumbled, trying to simultaneously avoid eye contact with her companion and prevent him from seeing her slightly blushing face. "I could help you board up your windows, then we could... um... make some popcorn and watch a movie with the... lights... dimmed... and..." She stopped there, the awkwardness getting the best of her, and bit her lip as they fell into a somewhat unnerving silence.

Then, after what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke up.

"I'll take the second option."

Long time, no post.

2009-02-12T13:52:00.002-05:00

Wow. I haven't been here in a while. Though I do have a reasonable explanation. *blows away cobwebs*

You see, my life has been pretty much at a standstill since last month. Nothing's been going on. I still don't have a job or money, nor have I gotten over my fear of driving. I am indeed a pathetic existence.

I've opened up commissions over on my deviantART page. Hopefully people will be interested. All I really have to do is provide examples of everything I offer. Yep. That'll be done... Whenever. I'm unsure. Yay.

Valentine's Day is looming over the horizon... Am I the only one who truly hates this so-called "holiday?" I could rant about it forever, but I'll spare you all the trauma.

I should post a sketch or something here. But I don't have any that are any good. Yay failure at art! *slams head against keyboard*

Cosplay Update: Cynthia, Roark, Volkner, and...?

2009-01-08T11:33:00.003-05:00

Cynthia - 70% complete
All that there's left to do on that is do the sleeves, sew them on, and sew the fluffy stuff at the ends of the sleeves and bottom of the coat.

Roark - 60% complete
I have to buy more fabric so we can redo the jacket. I've already got the pants, boots, wig and hard hat (lol) taken care of, so I don't have to worry about that.

Volkner - 15% complete
I'm not quite sure on this one, because I'm not the one who's going to be wearing it. I'll have to check with Chrissy abut it soon.

Misty - 90% complete
All I've got to do is wait for the wig to be shipped and style it, find my sister's talking Togepi plushie, and possibly get contacts. Yaaaay.

So Low

2009-01-05T16:30:00.002-05:00

Being alone all the time sucks.

The only thing that makes it worse is not being able to do anything about it.

Sadly, this is my situation.

I get to see my friends once a week. I thought that was enough.

It's not.

My family doesn't seem to understand. I'm sickeningly lonely, and all they care to do is either stick me in therapy or tell me to get over it. It's throwing me into a horrible depression. I'm losing sleep, eating less, and crying more because of it.

I'm afraid of being alone. I fear that if I'm alone for too long, the people I care about will forget about me and I'll be alone even longer.

Cosplay Update

2008-12-29T16:44:00.002-05:00

Well, Christmas is officially over so I've gotten back on track with my cosplays. I currently have two that I'm helping with, and two for myself that are near completion.

I want to get my sister's Cynthia cosplay done for her as a late birthday present (as there's no way in hell it could be finished by Friday). I'll have to call Chrissy soon to talk to her about that.

My Roark cosplay needs some touching up... We all messed up on the jacket. But the good news is I have everything else I need (I was shocked to find that I actually own a plain black shirt) for it to be a success. *snuggles her boots*

Yoshi's Volkner cosplay also needs some work done on it. The jacket will be tough because of those stupid orb things on his sleeves. *kicks Volkner*

And my secret cosplay (that some people might actually know about already) is pretty much finished. I just need to order the wig and shoes off the good ol' internet. Yay, internet!

RANT 004: Final Fantasy

2008-12-23T10:22:00.002-05:00

Christmas parties over. Christmas day is two days away. How to pass the time...

RANT.

Okay, here's the deal. I've been playing video games since I could pick up a controller. And my entire life, everyone always told me to play the games from a certain series:

Final Fantasy.

I originally thought "Ohhh, sounds neat." So I looked around and got the opportunity to play FF1. I loved it. I always had this attachment to the Black Mage. lol, fire.

Then I went years without playing a Final Fantasy game, until 10 came out. I liked that one, but it got boring after a while. People told me "Oh, you have to play 7. It's the best one."

Boy, was I in for a big disappointment.

Quite frankly, most of the Final Fantasy games I played disappointed me. People are always raving about how amazing every single game in the series is. Sadly, all I see in them is the generic "SAVE THE WORLD" plot with minor changes between the games' storylines, and the same generic characters.

"But Ashura!" you say. "Cloud =/= Squall!"

Haha, that's a good one. The main character of about half the Final Fantasy games have the same basic emotion as their main personality trait:

AAANNNGGSSSTTTT.

And quite frankly, most of the characters lack any sort of depth or personality, aside from their one (maybe two) personality traits. Cloud is all angst. Vinent is the king of emos. Squall is incapable of showing any kind of emotion other than blatant indifference. Tidus is just palin annoying.

Also, the games offer little in the field of customization and party members. Characters can only weild a single type of weapon and if your White Mage/healer/whatever dies or is for some stupid reason not there for a partiularly hard boss fight (*coughcoughYUNAcough*), you're pretty much fucked because you're limited to one White Mage/healer/whatever per party and using items with every person is just a waste of a turn when you're just gonna die anyway.

...I think I'll stop now, before angry fangirls find this and start trying to kill me for insulting their beloved Cloud and the GREATEST GAMES EVUR.

Nothing to rant about this week.

2008-12-18T19:57:00.003-05:00

But this weekend is gona be CRAZY.

Tomorrow it's supposed to snow like hell. Like... 1"-2" an hour from noon onward. My sister got the day off from school, so I'll have to make sure she doesn't go all day without eating...

Saturday I have Chrissy's Christmas party. A cosplay Christmas party, because we're all tards like that <3 I get to wear my Roark cosplay one more time before we re-do the jacket for the con next May... There's enough time. xD

Sunday is me and Dan's Christmas party. I'll have to make the fudge, cookies, and brownies for it Saturday night... The party's gonna be fun, because I'll get to see people I don't see often. Oh, and Mario Party, Brawl and possibly Pokemon tournaments going on for eight hours. 8D AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO SNOW THAT DAY TOO. Yaaaay.

Then the next two weeks my sister has off from school, so yay I'll have someone to annoy. 8D

...I hope those Pokemon plushies I ordered for her will come before Christmas.

.........I need a TV for my room. Why? So I can play Disgaea late at night and not have to worry about my dad being a dick about it. Stfu I know I'm a tard.

Disgaea 3 is a bitch

2008-12-14T14:18:00.002-05:00

I can't get past stage 3-6, which is sad because there are only three I thought I had the GeoBlock puzzle figured out, but the stupid Cockatrices keep ruthlessly murdering my party while making it impossible for me to destroy the puzzle. Grr. I'm such a nub.

Christmas is coming! I have two parties to attend next weekend (one of them being at my house). It's gonna be hectic... Luckily the one on Saturday ends at 6:00PM so I'll have time to make some goodies for the one at my house on Sunday. Mmm. Cookies and fudge. <3

I'm going to get another job application at the thrift store in town... Hopefully these guys will hire me. I feel bad that I didn't have the money to buy my friends Christmas presents or the time to draw them anything. It makes me feel like a stingy, selfish brat. I was gonna draw a group pic, but I didn't want to leave anyone out and make them feel bad about not being included. *sadface*

I can't wait for next weekend. It's gonna be a blast... I'm gonna punch Heather when I see her on Saturday. She lost half the stuff we need to make Yoshi's Volkner cosplay. We needed to replace the pattern for the jacket, and we'll probably need to do the same for some of the fabric because she lost it.

.........Now I want to go back and play Disgaea 3. Curse that series and its addictive nature!

Review: The Dark Knight

2008-12-12T21:13:00.002-05:00

Instead of my weekly (or lack thereof) rant, I thought I'd post this week with a movie review that's as spoiler-free as possible (not that everybody hasn't already seen this movie). Because frankly, I have nothing better to rant about.

To start off, my mom bought The Dark Knight about a week ago. We finally got around to watching it tonight, and all I have to say is:

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

That was possibly the most amazing movie I have ever seen. I was seriously shaking from how intense it was. It starts off kind of slow, but then it's just... Wow. Nonstop action, suspense, and intensity. And explosions. There's plenty of those.

While we're on the topic of explosions, I'd like to point out that the special effects are STELLAR. Those explosions looked fucking REAL, and every single other effect was done to perfection. Perfection, I say!

One thing I totally loved above all the rest was how Harvey Dent's burnt off face. That looked insane, awesome, and downright CREEPY all at the same time. The make-up artists and effects guys did a kick-ass job with that.

...Am I the only one that jumped in their seat when The Joker was like "Why. So. SERIOUS?!" ?

Overall, saying it was a fucking amazing movie would be the understatement of the year. I give it a >9000 out of 10. Definitely worth a buy, or at least a rent and re-rent.

WHEEEEEHEHEHE

2008-12-11T16:58:00.002-05:00

I'm a happy little lumberjack.

...Wait, that's wrong.

I'M A HAPPY LITTLE FANGIRL.

Thaaaaaat's better.

Why this random outburst of fangirlish glee? WELL, I got a box in the mail today and discovered that the boots that I ordered two months ago.

Why does this cause fangirlish glee?

BECAUSE THAT MEANS MY ROARK COSPLAY IS 99% DONE.

HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY TIEMS.

All I have to to is fix the collar on the jacket, and It'll be done. Whee.

ALSO ALSO ALSO.

I dunno.

Emo, emo, go away...

2008-12-04T08:44:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm feeling a tiny bit better that I was yesterday... Though I'm still feeling pretty down. Not gonna go into detail as to why because it would probably make me feel worse.

Tuesday night I woke up screaming, crying, and shaking like mad. I don't know what had scared me so much, but I was fucking terrified. I was afraid to go to sleep last night because I thought it would happen again... Needless to say I didn't sleep well last night.

I'm trying to force myself back into the art groove... I'm not getting many "Oh, hey, this looks good." results. I want to draw something as a vent, but I hate drawing depressing/emo/angst things.

In other news... Uh... Disgaea?

Ahh... What the fuck...

2008-12-02T19:37:00.002-05:00

I went to my therapist today... crying my fucking eyes out about my worthless life and riding one of the worst emotional roller coasters I've ever been on. After she, my mom, and I talked for a little bit, my mom mentioned that I want to get a psychological evaluation, because I haven't had one in a few years. My therapist pulled out my file so we could review the results of the last one I took, which listed my symptoms and said that I have no learning disabilities, high anxiety levels, high stress levels, and that I am highly intelligent... After she read off those, she read two rather... shocking things:

1.] There is a high chance I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

2.] I exhibit many symptoms of Schizophrenia.

...That scares me. A lot. But unfortunately, there's a chance that I suffer from both of those problems...

To tell the truth... I'm terrified. They've already tried to stick me in a psychiatric hospital once. I'm afraid that once I get evaluated and the results come in, I might be hospitalized. Or worse; Locked up.

Rant 003: Bitchy/Arrogant Fans

2008-12-01T12:40:00.004-05:00

I was gonna post this on Friday, but I was busy and forgot about it until just now. xD;

Alright, I'm tired of people (i.e. Sonic fans, anime fans, etc.) claiming they love something, but continuously whining about it!

Let's take one Sonic fan in particular (their name has been withheld, but you may know who they are anyway). He claims he is the BEST SONIC FAN EVAR, yet he's still bitching and moaning about the change in voice actors between Sonic Adventure 2 and Sonic X that happened YEARS AGO. He bitches about other Sonic fans, claiming that they're not true fans if they don't have the same opinion as him concerning whatever Sonic-related matter is on hand at any given point in time. And he's not the only one. A lot of other Sonic fans are the same way.

Moving on, it seems that a lot of fans outside the aforementioned fandom are the same way with their series of choice. For example, take a reply I got on the Anti-Twilight stamp I posted on deviantART:

"Excuse me, but that is just out right rude. Your saying that if someone says Twilight is a good book, they must be stupid? Let me tell you something buddy, I am a straight A-B student, my friends (all 4 who read every book in the series) are straight A students. And surprise, they seem to have stayed that way too! I absolutely loved the books. If you didn't, why bother saying anything? You aren't Stephenie Meyer. If this is how SHE wrote HER book, you can't do shit about it. So please, SHUT UP and leave us Twilighters ALONE! We like it and nothing you can do will change it ok? So stop spending your life on this worthless effort! My God you piss me off.

~oh HALE yes!~"

I'm rude? Not only is the girl who wrote this bitching about my opinion and whining at me to "leave us Twilighters ALONE!", she's also a fucking elitist. I never said Twilight fans were stupid. I said the BOOK was. She's putting words in my mouth so she can fuel her whining with her and her good-grades elitist friends. And then she gets all arrogant because she thinks she pwn'd me with her arrogant, whiny, elitist ways. And telling me that expressing my opinion is a worthless effort? Yeah, I'm totally the rude one here.

...And I believe the phrase is "Oh HELL yes."

Rant 002: Fangirls!

2008-11-21T19:39:00.002-05:00

Hay guys! Time for another rant! I may just make this a weekly thing if I find things to rant about within seven days of each other.

ANYWAY. My topic today: Fangirls! Especially those evil ones that stole my lemon slush.

Now, a lot of you from deviantART probably know me as "that Roark fangirl" or "that Disgaeaphile fantard spaz she-beast" or something along those lines. That probably raises a question from the graveyard of dead/choreographed dancing zombie questions in your head. Something like:

"Ashura! You're a fangirl! Stop being a hypocrite and bashing on your own kind you assblaster!"

Is that a legitimate question? No, but who the hell cares? This is a rant, not a grammar nazi convention!

Now before I actually stop bullshitting you cna start the rant, I hereby openly and proudly admit that I AM A FANGIRL. I find no shame in it! However... There is a line between fangirl and psychotic freak.

Y'see, during my adventures in DeviantART Land, I've come across numerous types of fangirls, which I've decided to categorize and describe below:

Fangirl Type I: The female fan.
That's right! A fangirl by definition is just a female fan! These types are also what you could call a "casual fan;" they like something, but not so much that they're even remotely close to being obsessed with it.

Fangirl Type II: More than casual Fangirl.
These fangirls are slightly more into something - whether it be Bleach, Naruto, or Pokemon - but still a good distance from the obsessive line. They favor one or two things over others, and might draw fanart or write fanfictions of their favorite series.

Fangirl Type III: Kind of obsessed Fangirl.
These gals tend to be more obsessed than the Type II fangirl. They often have favorite characters within the series they like, and also sometimes "ship" their two favorite characters together. On rare occurances this type of fangirl will have a fancharacter, however they usually aren't paired with a canon character. They are more prone to drawing fanart than others, and often write fanfiction.

Fangirl Type IV: The Fangirly Fangirl.
These fangirls are standing on the line that separates the sane fan from the psychotic. They often have a fancharacter, which is usually paired with their favorite character form their favorite series. The fancharacter may be based off the fangirl, but the fangirl herself knows that she is not the character she modeled after herself and still retains her "Sane Fangirl" title, if only by a little bit. The girls who don't have a fancharacter usually just obsess over a pairing or two. They often draw fanart and write fanfictions concerning their fancharacter and the canon character they pair her with. The fancharacter, more often than not, isn't a Mary-Sue.

Fangirl Type V: The Raging Fangirl.
Those who have passed the obsessive line earn themselves the title "Raging Fangirl." These girls are usually incredibly obsessed, most times with one series or a particular character. They almost always have a fancharacter, who they obsessively pair with a canon character. Most of these fancharacters have definite Sue-like qualities, and the fangirl herself is often convinced she is her character. This is where fangirl's (whether they have a fancharacter or not) ability to bash may surface, especially if she doesn't like a certain pairing. Anime fangirls at his level are prone to using words like "kawaii," "desu," and other Japanese words in their otherwise English sentences.

Fangirl Type VI: The Psychotic Fangirl.
Girls who have gone past the point of no return. If they have a fancharacter, they are convinced that they are their character and that their character is the best no matter what. The fancahracter is usually a Sue. If they don't have a fancharacter (which is rare), the only thig they draw or write is their favorite pairing. They more often than not will relentlessly bash anyone who likes a pairing they don't like or people who dislike their "perfect" character. Most of them have lost all their grip on reality and are convinced that they will marry their favorite character in the future. If you try telling them otherwise, they flip out at you and start bashing you. Almost all of them butcher the Japanese language, and everything is "SO KAWAII/SUGOI DESU" to them.

This is what I'm talking about. It's the Type V/TypeVI fangirls that annoy the piss outta me. I don't think I have to go into detail as to why, because my reasons were explained already. It pisses me off how these fangirls go around saying "-such and such character- IS MY BOYFRIEND! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM HE'S MINE!" or somethinbg like that. And then people go around saying that all fangirls are like that and that they all need to die. We're NOT all the same. We're NOT all psycho-possessive stalkers who think they can have sex witha character that doesn't exist. We all DON'T have Mary-Sue fangirl brat characters.

Just so you know, I rank myself as a Type IV fangirl.

Well, this was a sort of odd rant, but I had to get this off my chest.

Random post powers activate!

2008-11-17T14:29:00.008-05:00

I wanted to start off by saying "Happy day! Hello friend!" but all of a sudden I felt this wave of "AAH HAHAHA!", so I'm gonna go with that instead.

So yes. I felt like posting something today that didn't involve my RP blog (which will be updated soon, or something). I suppose I should start out by saying that I hate cleaning. It's the most boring thing ever, especially when it involves dishes. But no one else in my house will wash them (besides my mom), so it's apparently only my responsibility... How pleasant.

On an unrelated note, I like juice boxes. I'm thirsty now... I want one. But I don't have any money to go out and buy some. And for some reason the glass of milk I just poured tastes funny. Maybe I'm just going crazy.

SPEAKING OF CRAZY, I'm in the process of scheduling this big psychological test thing for myself. I took one three years ago, and the guy who was testing me was convinced before I even walked in the room that I was completely batshit fucking insane. My psychiatrist said now would be a good time to get an appointment for another one, but I can't schedule it until my therapist gets back from her vacation, which isn't for another two and a half weeks. Bah.

Well, not much else to say, so here's a doodle I did last night.

RANT 001: Anime Vector Artists

2008-11-14T16:59:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, guys. This topic has been irritating the hell out of me for a long time. What topic, you ask?

Anime Vector "Artists."

While it's true that vectoring is a digital art technique that can create some really cool effects, there's a difference between actual vector art and tracing.

Here's a few examples (the links will open in a new tab/window):

Gamer?
This person used Adobe Illustrator, a well-known and widely used vector art program, to create a unique image from scratch. Yay, Gameboys! 8D

Vector
Another great and unique piece of vector art. Bold, vibrant colors... Yeah, this is awesome.

1 + 2 + 3
Whee, Pokemon vectors! Everyone knows Whatura loves Pokemo-Waitaminute, these look strangely familiar.
Oh, now I remember.

If you had half a brain in your head, you probably would have noticed that the vectors in the last example look identical to the official art of Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, and Venusaur. It's not because the vector "artist" has a good eye; it's because they traced the official artwork.

Now, I normally wouldn't have a problem with tracing (hell, I did it all the time when I was little). However, tracing on paper is much different than tracing on a computer via vectors.

Tracing on paper requires that you have the ability to hold a pencil, and can aid in you learning how to hold a pencil comfortably and affectively while drawing. The traced drawing is still a trace, though, and is not your own original artwork.

Vector tracing, however, requires no artistic skill whatsoever; you're simply using a computer mouse and moving it a little bit here and there to get what you want. It doesn't help nurture artistic ability; it just shows you have basic knowledge of a computer's vector programs. Refer back to what I said earlier about a trace not being your own original artwork.

But that's only half of this little rant. Here's where we get to the fun part: Whatura's psychotic angry rampage!

Now, now, I know what you're thinking: "But Whatura! You just openly admitted that you traced pictures when you were little! How can you be mad if other people do, you hypocrite!?"

What I'm angry about isn't the fact that these "anime vector artists" are tracing. It's that they're tracing the original artwork, whether it be offical art or a screenshot from an anime, and claiming it to be their own original vector art. This, in a nutshell, is stealing. Yet these people who do nothing but trace art and claim it as their own get so much positive attention and praise, while a lot actual artists who have developed their own skills and draw something themselves are overlooked or even harassed for being unoriginal/a bad artist/etc.

Does anyone else see how this could be irritating to someone who busts their ass to draw something original? Granted, I use vectors for the lineart of all my digital art. However, I'm tracing my own work. You can't steal from yourself... Unless, of course, you have multiple personality disorder and you don't remember what your other personality did while you and your regular personality were off in Lala Land. Which I don't. I think. But I digress...

On top of the hatred for the "artists" who get praised for stealing, I also have an undying rage toward people who actually believe that the traced "vector" of official art is actually the tracer's own unique piece! They're always all "OMG THAT'S AWESOME!", "THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE A SCREENSHOT! YOU'RE A GREAT ARTIST LOLOLOL!", or god forbid something serious like "I love the pose, it looks wonderful." or "The way you drew her eyes is great." That pisses me off so much; It's like those people are blind to the fact that that piece was traced or they're just plain stupid.

And then there's another pet peeve of mine: deviantART's magic ability to contradict its own rules!

What I mean is, DeviantART's rules specifically state:

"It is considered acceptable for artists to reuse or reference ideas, scenes, poses, etc which may be found in the works of other artists. It is considered proper etiquette to cite the original artist of the inspiring work and give them credit for being the reference, especially if numerous details have been copied or otherwise borrowed.

Referenced, copied or inspired works should be created completely through your own efforts and must not directly contain any portions of the referenced work revealing it to be a manipulation or edit of the original.

A referenced, copied or inspired work which shows evidence of being directly traced, re-colored, 'painted-over', vector traced or which reproduces the original in exacting detail will be at increased risk of being removed by staff.

Please be aware that works which are considered legitimate fan art will be granted more leniency in certain situations and circumstances."

...Does that seem a little biased to you? I think it is EXTREMELY biased. Especially with the way devaintART seems to be nowadays; The more popular you are, the more you can get away with.

Well, I'll leave you guys to think about that. I've bitched enough for today.

Just an intro.

2008-11-13T19:56:00.000-05:00

Livejournal was starting to get really boring, so I migrated here. And Swift made me do this, saying something about... World domination...? I'm unsure.

Expect anything from rants to raves (bring glowsticks) to reviews of various things to sketches you won't see anywhere else.

I don't know what else to put here.